I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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