I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
