Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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