A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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