I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
