Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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