Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
