just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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