Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
