There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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