guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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