dude i'm inner monologue high
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
