i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
my liver is dry heaving
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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