i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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