How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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