I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
