Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
