I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
