He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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