Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
