i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
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She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
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Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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