how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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