I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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