He felt like a one man threesome
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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