dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
