Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
