i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
