The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
COCAINE IS GR8
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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