I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
