she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
