A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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