This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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