My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
