If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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