All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Everything about him screamed your future.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
