My liver just broke up with me...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
