at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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