Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
