So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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