why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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