I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
