I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
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no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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