the condom got lost in my hair
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
