curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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