Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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