i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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