If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
