Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
