I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
