She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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