Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
