I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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