Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
