the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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